Goodbye holiday....Welcoming the new me...

Hurm in two days..i will be returning to KL...leaving brunei on the 20th n 22nd i will be starting with e new semester..

This is the reality...being apart with my family thus during 1 month of my break..i really enjoyed every single moment with them..i will only be back for the next raya kot..perhaps...

Back in KL...i'm gonna have a non-stop life..hectic..bz..n more freedom i think...its gonna be continuos...i will be tired n exhausted..thats for sure..n lose lotzz of weight(which usually happens if i get too bz..hahaha) but i think thats good for me..to restrain n avoid myself to indulge n be in e situation which i regret n hurts my heart a lotz...

The truth is that...im so excited...so thrilled...to be back in campus..thats the enjoyable life n moment..can't wait to meet my frens n of course KL..shopping n stuff...hahaha..(there's no best mall in brunei~so materialistik~ who cares!)

And in days time awal muharram n new year will come...hoping for new hopes n happiness n success n blessing n miracles n rahmat n barakah n love from HIM e Al-Mighty n health of ABAH n strengh n spirit n all positive things...

Leaving all the sadness n pain n tears n instability of emotion n trials n tribulation n challenges...which i sometimes feel so grateful that Allah still loves me continues loving me n blessed me in sorts of ways that He desires..one of them `cubaan dlm hidup'..

Ulfah...be strong..always be urself..u urself..n urself..ur special in the way u are...n not special in the way u are..apology for all the weaknessess...be a better person for urself n not for others...love urself..coz people around u loves u..

Acknowledgment n thoughts n love to my family for the never ending support...khairun(mybestbuddy ever,pengkritik berjaya) naz n wanu(my rumies),nely n koca(jauh nun di uk~xkan ku lupakan panggilan jauh dr uk tatkala ku nyenyak tido di kala jam 4.30 pg hehe)acik,peqa,hasra,achok,shafa,naem,yan(sntiasa dpt membaca riak mukaku~being a good listener n advisor~sntiasa memastikan diri ini di jalan-Nya) `brother' a.k.a abg seiras(it was a pleasure knowing u) rakan2 library(sgt seronok memporak-perandakan library lvl 1 hehe) rkn2 YM(anda tau sape anda) rkn2 sekelas yg lain,rkn2 yg lain,extended family,rakan2n sahabat taulan abah,insan-insan mulia yg sentiasa mendoakan...

Only Allah can reward u guys for all the kindness..Barakallahufikum

THE NEW ME BEGINS NOW...^_^

Hati yg rapuh....

Hai hati mengapa kau begitu rapuh....

Hai hati mengapa kau begitu luluh....

Hai hati mengapa kau begitu angkuh....

Hai hati mengapa aku sgt sukar utk mengerti....

Kuatlah hati!

Tegarlah hati!

Hanya Allah sahaja yg mengerti....

Aidiladha yg sungguh bermakna...

Alhamdulillah....diberi kesempatan oleh Allah utk ak bersama2 dgn keluarga yg tercinta menyambut Aidiladha kali ini...keistimewaannya kali ini...abah lebih sihat berbanding Aidilfitri yg lalu...

Hari Raya AidilAdha,Hari Raya Qurban,Hari Raya Haji..ungkapan yg berbeza bg satu hari dn maksud yg sama...Mengingati pengorbanan Nabi Ibrahim A.S ke atas anaknya demi mematuhi firman dan perintah Ilahi...

Pengorbanan..satu ungkapan yg sgt senang diucapkan..namun n tetapi sukar n susah utk dizahirkan...pengorbanan? sgt meluas konsepnya...subjektif intrepretasinya...lain insan..lain mksud n pengertian pd dirinya...

Pada aku...pengorbanan itu sgt tinggi nilainya...hanya mereka2 yg btul2 kuat...tegar..dan teguh akan smpai ke tahap pengorbanan tertinggi...Pengorbanan utk Ilahi a.k.a Islam tercinta...

Waktu yg lalu....benar-benar mengajar aku erti pengorbanan...pengorbanan atas dasar kasih dan sayang....di kala abah sakit...kami susah..hanya insan-insan istimewa yg sanggup berkorban...meluangkan maser...menghulurkan tangan..meringankan beban kami...bersama kami..fuh..baruku mengerti hakikat INSAN...MANUSIA...

Apa-apa pn pengorbanan UMMI sukar utk ku gbrkan...tiada setitis air matanya...mengambarkan ketabahan dn kekuatannya yg akn menjadi inspirasiku...menempuh segalanya2 berseorangan....dgn adik-adikku yg msih kecil...ak mengerti pengorbanan isteri kpd suami tercinta...pengorbanan ummi kpd anak-anaknya...pengorbanan anak kpd ibunya(menjaga arwah atuk yg bed-ridden)

Setelah hampir 9 bln berlalu...alhamdulillah...ak bahagia...berada di sisi keluarga...melihat abah sehat..ummi gembira...adik-adikku yg bergelak ketawa...tiada perasaan sebahagia ini...Terima Kasih Ya Allah...ak rindukan irfan n ismah...moga merek berdua sentiasa dalam lindungan Ilahi..
Berkorban demi mengejar ilmu n cita-cita..:)

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha...Moga kita sentiasa akan menjadi insan yg lebih baik...:)

Kisah 2008 (3) pemergian yg tidak disangka

April

After 2 weeks of patience..akhirnya ak pulang ke brunei...tak sabar rasanya nk jumpa abah...sejak abah diagnose xpenah jumpa lg face to face..atuk,ucu,m uda,p uda,p lang n family telah dahulu menyusul...n even rakan2 abh dr malaysia yg sngup terbang ke brunei semata2 ingin melawat abh..terima kasih kepada pcik jaafar jusoh n wife,auntie ros, n lg sorang rkn abh (sumer ex-KI) yg dtg melawat abh...n also kepada rakan2 abh yg lain yg xberhenti dtg melawat n memberi semangat...

Di kala pulang,p andak ckp yg arwah p ngah is being hospitalised after he was having difficulty in breathing..p ngah mmg ader some heart problem..but that was 10 years ago..time tuh atuk was in brunei being with us..maser kt hospital arwah p ngah byk kali sebut nama atuk...

A day after return,abh n umi went to KL coz he had a meeting...abh was not so strong that time so he had to use the wheel-chair to move..walking to much may worsen his condition..but his spirit continues as to live and run a normal life...to go on with his work and responsibility...his sickness did not stop him from doing anything..he even went to buy new clothes since xder bju yg leh dipakai akibat kejatuhan berat bdn yg sgt drastic..hehehe..he said he still wants to look nice n smart even sakit..hehehe..maser kt KL rakan2 abh dtg xberhenti2 dtg menziarahi abh kt hotel tempat abh n umi menginap..even sedara mara pn dtg..terima kasih ats lawatan anda semua memberi semangat dn mendoakan kesihatan abh...even thanks to p cik redzuan di sungai ramal luar,kajang kerana mengadakan solat hajat dn doa selamat utk kesihatan n kesejahteraan abh..p cik khalil ruslan n mcik najibah..yg temankan abh umi berjalan2 di one utama..hehehe..pcik megat yg belikan nsi lemak kampung( which abh suka sgt) hehehe..Hanya Allah yg dpt membalas segala kebaikan anda...

Saturday before abh n umi balik semula ke KL pd hari ahad..p cik saifullah called me n said that he will be coming...it was already late at that time..he came with m cik alina n said that abh had asked him to buy the flight ticket to KL the next day which is sunday (atuk still kt brunei n xtgk p ngah lg sejak dier msuk hospital) that sunday morning...me n pcik saifullah n m cik alina sent atuk to the airport..p uteh was already waiting at KLIA to bring atuk straight to sabak bernam hospital..and dat afternoon abh n umi returned to brunei...

pagi selasa itu...we received a message utk doakan arwah p ngah..the night before dia dikejarkan ke hospital Klang..at that time dah xsedarkan diri...xsmapi sejam after dat p uteh msj:

INNALILLAH, P NGAH MENINGGAL....

Ya Allah, ak sungguh tidak sangka...sudah lama xjumpa p ngah...maser p ngah nk pindah ke kampung pn i did not come because maser tuh bz ngn study...tak sangka i was not able to see p ngah again..T_T i was the only one yg xdpt pulang kerna keadaan yg xmengizinkan..p cik sy yg sentiasa ambil berat psl sy..yang sentiasa htr sy ke KL central bila nk balik brunei..yg selalu masakan sy n irfan...Ya Allah tempatkanlah P Ngah bersama2 dgn org2 yg soleh...

Cuma ak sedey mengenangkan hajat arwah utk pulang ke kampung dan tinggal bersama atuk..baru sebulan arwah berpindah dgn family ke kg...

But alhamdulillah..atuk dpt bersama dgn arwah p ngah di saat-saat terakhir nyawanya..di sisi m ngah...Dugaan dtg n dtg bertimpa2 ke atas keluargaku..Ya Allah kuatkanlah hati-hati kami....

Abah hanya mampu terdiam..sy bertanya..abh nk balik?pg tuh jgk...beli tiket online..flight malam tuh via air asia...bermakna xsempat abh utk menatap wajah terakhir adik kesayangan abh itu..abah ckp xper..just proceed without him..he had to go back..even xsempat jumpa..at least the support from him is much needed for m ngah, atuk n the rest of the family..lumrah anak sulung...abah bru jer balik ari ahad..selasa nk fly lg..kesian abah..

Terdapat sedikit confusion as people in UIA and even in CIMB thought abah had passed away.. a friend of abah called him n said he did not believe it..he was relief to hear abah's voice...after that the rumours was fixed n changed n spreaded...hurm..macam2...Abah n ummi pn pulang ke KL..i stayed with safwah,uswah n muna berempat....

Selama abh umi kt KL,hati ini sentiasa mendoakan agar abh sentiasa kuat dn diberikan kesihatan...bimbang dgn keadaan abah...

Ismah called me..she told me about the situation...ak mendengar dgn linangan air mata..lagi2 ble bercerita tentang adik chah( anak bongsu arwah yg menghidap sindrom-down)..mgkin dier faham...mgkin dier xfaham..bila jenazah tiba di kampung..dia yang beria-ria siapkan tempat utk meletakkan jenazah..dia ckp jgn kaco abh sebab abh tgh tido...dia jgk yg pujuk sumer org jgn menangis..T_T

Semoga ruh arwah ditempatkan di kalangan org-org yg soleh.Al-Fatihah....

Kisah 2008 (2)

Beberapa hari selepas 8th March 2008...i called abah again..n it was confirmed that it was cancer stage 4 after the biopsy was done..the worst part the cancer cells had spreaded to his bones..n thats why he was having difficulty in walking...that time i was quite calm coz i already expected for the worse...

Abah ckp...pandai2la akak camne nk bitau adik2...time tuh..xsampai hati nk bitau via call or msj..so satu pagi tuh..i drove to s alam to meet my brother.. we had breakfast together n i think he was wondering napela kakak dier sorang ni sngup dtg jumpa dier...so..i told him after we finished our meal..irfan like usual..being so calm...maser tuh tahan jer nk nangis..(i can't cry..i had to be strong for my siblings!)

that time i was the only one to know besides ummi...i kept it to myself alone for about a week becoz a suitable time is necessary to inform other family members...apology on my part for the delay...i just can't bear to see atuk to be sad..rasanya baik my uncles yg ckp kt dier dgn cara yg agak berhemah supaya she doesnt get worried so badly...

secondly ismah...i only told her days after 8th march..the night she got her SPM result..alhamdulillah she got 11As which was quite a suprise for her..bcoz she had been so busy with her debate activity...seriusly..(kakak dier pn penat tgk dier tuh) nasib menang PPM..hehehe...maser dier amek result tuh muka dier sgt2la happy...looking at her...rasa nk menangis..hurm..after dat dier ikut gi uia coz nk handle online application dier for JPA..time tuh dier pelik naper abah suro mintak austarlia pdhal abh dulu yg beria-ria nk ismah gi mesir...kesian tgk muka dier..coz dier xtahu paper...tp ismah..adikku yg paling tenang..kejap jer kami menangis bersama..n kemudian dier ok..

time tuh plak dekat ngn exam...xtahu nk describe cane perasaan..Hanya berserah kepada Allah..n berdoa agar Allah akan terus bagi kekuatan kepada abah n ummi...n bg kekuatan kepada aku utk menghadapinya...

Kisah 2008....

i think its kind of late to actually to state this as 2008 will end in one month time...but its still 2008 rite...?so still under the scope of the topic..hehehe...

MARCH 2008

(29th FEB - 2nd MARCH)

I was approached by one of my senior to be the bailiff for the Jessup Mooting Competition(National Round) as IIUM was the organizer for this year...i went ahead because i think that it was a new experience and that it would benefit me for my mooting subject for the next coming semester...

It was held starting form 29th of Feb till 2nd of March...that time abah was in Kuala Lumpur because he had to attend a conference (he is one of the Shari'ah Legal Advisor for CIMB Islamic Bank) i was quite sad bcoz i was not able to be with him as i usually do if he is in KL...

So i decided to meet him at the hotel he was staying on thursday afternoon after i finished my class...ismah was already there...maser tuh adik kesayangn sy tuh xmkn lg so dier soh belikan makanan..disebabkan that time it was too late..i decided to buy her nasi beriyani ky mamak HS tuh..i arrived at the hotel around 3 lebey camtu..quite late..abah xabis lg conference...so i just waited for him smbil mkn nasik ngn ismah...

Loceng berbunyi...bila nmapk abah dpn pintu..i was shocked..he has loss weight..and seriusly he was so thin..he even had difficulty to walk..huhu..maser tuh dah tak sedap hati..ikutkan hati nk stay longer tp memandgkan dah quite senja..so i had to return to gombak coz i have a program the next day to attend...

On that friday...hati sentiasa teringatkan abh..how was he?dah mkn?larat ker nk bwk kete?sumer to bermain di minda...but tugas sebagai committee tetap dijalankan sepenuh hati coz itu telah diamanahkan...

sepanjang tiga hari ini...just after everything ended..i headed home..tp xbyk yg leh diborakkan dgn abah coz balik jer abh dah tdo...n esk pg2 kul 7 dah kene drive balik ker uia..

dat sunday...abah returned back to brunei..i told him to see the doctor bcoz his condition was worrying me a lot..

(3rd MARCH - 7th MARCH)

keesokan harinya after abah arrived from KL..abah went to RIPAS with uncle Saifullah and terus msuk emergency...and abah ditahan di hospital utk rawatan lanjut ..so abah had to be in the hospital for about a week..

maser tuh teringat ummi..camne ummi handle my sisters bcoz we do not have a maid at home..umila yg htr amek gi skolah..umi yg msk..umi yg wat laundery...umi yg wat sumer..

but i know ummi is strong n she can handle it..but perasaan kesian pd ummi xleh dibendung lg...

(8 MARCH)

Inilah tarikh yg sy xkan lupa wat selamanya2.Kenapa?

1. Pilihanraya Malaysia yg ke-? (tak ingat) which the scenario of politics in Malaysia had really changed..
2. Menerima perkhabaran merentas laut china selatan

Beberapa hari yg lalu...tiap2 ari call ummi to ask about the result..tp dr xckp paper lg..seorang sahabat sy telah bg dua kemungkinan:

1. tibi
2. kanser

But i said to my heart `ulfah,bersedia ngan apa2 pun keputusannya'..petang itu..i went to 7-eleven to buy i-talk to call ummi...i was in the car..in front of 7-eleven..and it was about 5pm dat time...ummi picked up the phone:

Me: camne?Doktor ckp per?
Ummi: ckp ngn abahlah...(phone dipasskan kpd abah)
Me: Camne abh?Doktor ckp per?
Abah:Ermm..Doktor ckp ader tumour kt my lung...dr bg balik but nnti kene gi hospital
utk confirmkan balik whether it is cancer of not....
(Masa tuh air mata tak dapat dibendung lg..bergenang air mata..n mengalir perlahan
berseorangan di dalam kereta BFU 79)
Abah: Kakak...Jgn nangis...ini dugaan Allah pd kita..so abah dah ckp kt diri abah n
ummi..kita sama2 hadapi k...

Ak menangis n menangis...i will be driving back to uia..so i had to calm myself down..maser tuh pk balik..it was just tumour..dr still akan confirm n abah ckp it was not cancer but he did say dat it was quite bad...huhuhu...disebabkan perasaan yg tak menentu time tuh..i decided to pay hajar (jat) [my schoolmate in KISAS] a visit at mahallah ameenah..kebetulan time tuh...suliana (sue) [my schoolmate in KISAS jgk from UTP] ada kt bilik hajar..ktorg share stories n terkenang kembali kenangan dahulu..mampu lg utkku senyum n ketawa tp di HATI hanya Tuhan sahaja yg tahu bagaimana ku cuba menguatkan hatiku...

monyet dan pasar ^_^

pagi td telah berlaku satu adegan (scene) ----> bertemu dgn monyet di halaman rumah~ tahniah!
time itu kind of mamai but i know that was the monkey! nasib tak menjerit..hehehe..

actually quite weird coz belakang rumah ni rmh org..i wonder from where did the monkeys came from...kesian jgk monyet2 ni...kalo kt uia tuh laen citer coz memang sah2 belakang tuh hutan......

tapi yerla nk salahkan monyet 100% pn xleh jgak sbb diaorg pn nk hidup jgk carik mkanan...tp disebabkan persekitaran n habitat mereka yg diganggu..terpaksa tresspass to land utk carik makanan..

MORAL : Apa2 pn pembangunan yg dilakukan..the environment must be taken into consideration...Janganla kita melakukan kehancuran pada muka bumi Allah ini...

Speaking pf going to the `pasar'..sy sangat2 teruja kerana sekian lama tak pegi ke pasar....hehehe..(kerana kt uia maner der msk) apa yg sy suka pergi pasar:

1. Tengok ikan-ikan yg besar(lg2 ikan kt brunei ni mmg besar2)
2. Ketam kt pasar td sgt comel n sgt lawa..hehehe..
3. Dapat mengenali jenis2 ikan (agk kurang mahir mengenali jenis ikan)
   
4. Dapat mengenali jenis2 sayur (agak kurang mengenali ulam-ulaman

Apa yg sy tak suka pergi pasar:

1. Hanya satu sebab..sebab lantainya berair hehehe..

whatever pn...going to the `pasar' with ummi was great...suka tgk umi ckp brunei..
smpai sekarang i seriously xleh nk ckp brunei...^-^

cuti~selamat dtg aufa khalilah...

this my blog...which ketinggalan zaman i'm suppose..hehehe..nway..i'm now in brunei being with my beloved family...especially abah yg tersayang..esk pg ader CT scan kt hospital...to see the effect of the second round of chemoteraphy via pil...nk pegi ker xnak...pergila ufah sbagai sokongan kpd abah...abah...i really admire ur spirit...selamat mlm dan selamat dtg ari seterusnya...sebenarnya byk yg ingin dicoretkan lebey2 lagi perkembangan abah melawan penyakit cancernya...insyaAllah jika ader kesempatan...kte akan pulang kpd history (bulan2 yg lalu yg ak tempuhi) bukan hendak merenung masa yang lalu..tetapi seriusly i've learned a lot....byk sgt pengajaran yg berguna yg boleh kita kongsi bersama....